One More Death - Lonely Meter Up A Notch

Oh My. That weird feeling where my heart used to be is back. Empty. Painful. Temporary.... I know.

Loneliness Metric
1. Solitude is bliss
2. Content but not happy
3. Want to Call someone to know if my voice still works.
4. Stomach hurts. Need to have a conversation with a human.
5. Hard to breath. Why am I alive. Why does God hate me.

Its a 5 today. Good excuse though.

My Dad died on Monday. I will really miss him. I am so glad I made an effort to do some special things for him this past year. I tried to prepare particular dishes that he wanted to eat. Several were recipes my Mom used to use. We went for a wonderful drive down the Okanagan Valley, looking at possible sites to paint. We discussed composition, colour and perspective. I took him for a really nice lunch at a fancy Winery. I think the best thing we did was take a trip to to the Coast of BC last December. He had a real opportunity to spend Christmas with his youngest Grandchildren.

Dad did a lot for me as well. He would phone when he was going to buy fruit during the summer to see if I wanted anything. We would meet and he would hand me a basket of peaches or pears. It was very thoughtful. I really wanted him to go to Mexico with me. I wanted to provide an opportunity for him to enjoy his retirement, meet new people and just bake in the sun shine. I had rented a house in Ajijic for January and February. I initially thought I could talk him into coming when I showed him the pictures of the community gym, infinity pool and hot tub. I know if he did come with me he would want to stay all winter. He told me if he got better he would go for sure. I know now that he is in a place even more beautiful and that he is surrounded by love. He was a good man, but he was lonely. He missed his wife (my mother) and his brothers especially.

When people tell me they are sorry for my loss, and ask if I am OK. I say I am happy. I am happy my Dad is not suffering. I am no longer worried about him and that is a relief.

It’s my turn to be just a little lonelier now. I think I feel that emptiness in the pit of my stomach that Dad must have felt each time he lost a sibling. When my Mom died, I lost my best friend and the one person that I know knew who I was and truly thought about me and cared. Dad was very busy thinking and worrying about other kids and grandkids, but I know he did care. Our relationship was friendly, but the loss is easier to handle because where Mom was a pillar of emotional support for me….. Dad was more like an old friend, someone you enjoy having a glass of wine with but not someone I would call if I were upset about something. Perhaps that is part of growing up; you don’t want to burden your elderly parents with problems. It’s more about thinking about how to make them happy. I know my Dad is at peace and that does make missing him a lot easier. However....... its a 5 on the loneliness meter for me today. Gulp.